“Wishing Out of Line”
Four days from the above date and I turn 21 years old. I seem to be the only one who’s not in the mood to celebrate. On the other hand, nobody’s around to help me kick off what is supposed to be the end of all legal age restrictions (with the exception of renting a car at the regular price).
It’s like this every year for me. My birthday lands sandwiched between a legal holiday that nobody observes and a day that you hope doesn’t land on a Friday. You want people to spend that special day with you only to realize that you’ve also found yourself more than halfway through a semester of school. And you’re the only one who’s not working on anything because you’ve found the avenues to get ahead, only to find out that you’re the only one who put yourself up to that challenge. So what now? More of the same old thing – a grande Starbucks Frappuccino and the best of Patsy Cline? Where had all the originality gone? Better yet, where have all my people gone? I wish there was a way for me to stop time so I could spend the extra minutes looking for my number list. Time would be great right now if it just wasn’t moving. More time to prepare, more time to persuade people that I am more than services. I set the bar of friendship high and I live up to it. This is why I hold the medal up in front of empty rafters.
Birthdays are very special to me,
especially when it happens to one of my friends. Call it instinct; call it whatever the hell
you want, but I do everything in my power to make that day as special as
possible. I give you what you need the
most – support, memories, and times to remember. I give you the random cans of
Twenty-one. How does the time fly. I remembered when I turned three years old and my parents gave me a party at McDonald’s because they didn’t know any better. They walked me around the mall when I turned eight instead of inviting my friends to spend the day with me. I begged for a party with friends but got money instead. It was great back then. It was the subtleness of the non-emotional gestures that gave me a day to remember.
“Congratulations for the numerical advancement in human time. Here’s your salary. Use it wisely. It’ll be all that you’ll get until you know better.”
Or when I leave…
The part about this entire ordeal that hurts the most is that once again, I am alone. I’ve been alone through a good portion of my journeys from youth to young adult. I still don’t understand why to this very day I am still some sort of oddity that deserves to be put the sidelines. I often wonder why it’s not in the cards for me to receive the magic that I pass on to others. Maybe it’s because I gamble quite a bit with reciprocal action. Maybe because I have so much time to think that I can bring out some level of innovation. Perhaps I am only making up for what I’ve never had – a pleasant surprise that reminded me for at least one moment that I could be happy without consequence.
Without consequence? It means ‘no reason,’ ‘spontaneous,’ and ‘unprovoked.’ It mean ‘doesn’t have to be set up or rigged by me.’ It means ‘someone thought of me for once instead of the other way around.’ It means ‘someone actually loves me enough to search within themselves to give that same level of happiness back.’ It is the ideal that I see in true friends, but I see that I have once again been thwarted by time, circumstance, and perhaps, the choice of friends. When the only ‘friends’ you have appear during particular roles of power that you play in, those relationships are fleeting. Nobody will remember where you were that day or care where you will be tomorrow. What is beyond the job is for you. You as a person are beyond the job at hand. When you are the ringmaster all the time, every time, nobody is there to hold your hand. Here I am lost.
Once again I am forgotten to all that know me. I work, then I leave. Maybe I can drop a clue in every now and then to reaffirm my existence, but what’s the use? The heads perk up and then go back down to what they are doing. In my attempts to inform others that I am still here, I leave the fight emotionally hurt and bloodied, frustrated, and tired. I stand at the sidelines watching the sunset on another day. They’ve all gone on to far better things – why do I feel that am I still stuck in first gear?
There once was a girl who wished for the slightest bit of recognition. She gave all to give others the sense of dignity that came with humanity and having friends. And when her turn came around, she woke up to see nobody at her door. The calendar spoke its piece, and the tears started to fall. Phone calls unreturned. E-mails unanswered. The clock ticked away the significance of the hours that passed. You’re still alive, and you’re alive on your own merit. See the horizon in front of you and reach for it. If you fall, it’s a long way down, but keep your toes on the edge. That way, you’ll still be able to flail your arms maniacally in case you start to lose your balance.
Remember me on my 21st year; it would mean the world to me.
Remember who you’ve left behind, fate, you’re not finished with me yet.
I return to the source of bitterness and spite, and I realize now that my rage is not unfounded. Justify why I am angry by your own indirect action.
Congratulations, you’ve just been blown off. Again. And again. And again. And the one who hurts you the most does not have to say sorry. I apologize for my own humanity affecting this matter. It is not right to see me sad. I have made so many other people happy that it is expected that this joy would trickle down to me. When you do this long enough, it just becomes a numb feeling that replaces the sadness, a ‘canceling out’ if you will. No surprises here – just another addition to the morphine drip of my existence.
A heartfelt Happy Birthday to all the others who share my sandwiched day of the year. I wish all the best for you, and all the happiness that I long to see someday. Make use of today and go forward. Take someone you love with you, if you can reach across the stars and grab them by the hand. Don’t hide your love; share it with those around you. You’ll never know when they’ll be so far out of reach that you will be left alone as well, with nobody to share that love with and anyone to remember that you’re still here.